


Of Bachelors, Bets, and Pirates

by katydid



Category: One Piece
Genre: F/M, Humor, Many Characters - Freeform, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-28
Updated: 2012-05-27
Packaged: 2017-11-06 03:42:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/414325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katydid/pseuds/katydid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The new Pirate King is more popular than he knows, and the race is on. Who will be the ultimate winner of Luffy's affections (and the throne at his side), and shouldn't Nami be worried instead of taking bets?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:
> 
> Little Sis': Hahahahahahahahahahahaha—[chokes on own spittle] herk! Blck! Hack! Cough! Cough!
> 
> Big Sis': What she's trying to say is no, we don't own One Piece, just in case for some strange reason you thought we did.
> 
> Note: Takes place after the theoretical end of One Piece, when Luffy is Pirate King.

It is a universal truth that every Pirate King needs a Queen. And with fame, wealth, and power on the line, there are inevitably plenty of eager candidates. At that point, the betting pool was inevitable.

The new Pirate King himself, a certain Monkey D. Luffy, was the only one oblivious. Young, strong, and charming, his only flaw as a potential husband was his childish cluelessness. However, even that couldn't deter women when there was all the money in One Piece at stake.

Nami was at the center, of course. High stakes betting? She probably started it. She was certainly the only one bold enough to go to all the candidates and personally ask them what they thought their odds should be. This worked some of them into quite a frenzy, and soon certain candidates were prepared to charge the Sunny-Go to force the Pirate King to chose between them. Concerned that certain of her nakama might then use her money-cows for target practice, Nami proposed that they all take neat and orderly turns at the object of their affections.

Nami decided to send the candidates forth in order of least likely to most likely (according to the betting pool). She didn't tell them this, of course. Instead, she sent each one a letter offering them an introduction and at least a few minutes of the Pirate King's time.

* * *

Alvida thought she was first because she was so beautiful. But she if she had been last, she would have thought it was because she was beautiful. Frankly, Alvida thought everything in this world happened because she was beautiful, starting when she discovered mirrors when she was one and a half. At three, she almost drowned from staring at herself in the bathtub for too long. Some ( _cough Coby_ ) might say it was unfortunate that she didn't. The bathtub incident also gave her an aversion to mirrors, which might explain why she was so delusional during her fat period. Still, now Alvida was slim and pretty, which led some people to wonder why Nami put her at the bottom of the list. People who didn't actually know her, that is.

Alvida stormed onto the deck of Sunny-Go, dressed in a flowing red dress that showed a great deal of leg. She demanded, "Luffy, am I beautiful?"

He started at her. "No," he said. Then his eyes went back to his fishing rod.

"Then how beautiful am I…WHAT?"

Luffy didn't really react, simply shifted his fishing pole a little.

Alvida stuttered, "But…but…I'm Alvida, the most beautiful woman in the world!"

"Who?" Luffy asked blankly. A small tinge of recognition went through him, but unfortunately for Alvida, it was only a hazy memory of a fat lady with a club. "You don't have a club, so you can't be Alvida," Luffy said.

"Yes I do!" Alvida's spiked club appeared from behind her back. But Luffy wasn't even watching. It was time for plan B. After all, knocking a man over the head was how Alvida's mother had gotten her father.

"Hi-ya!" Alvida screeched, bringing the club down. It bounced off. "Huh?" (Alvida's self-centeredness meant that she couldn't remember the details of her past encounters with Luffy.)

Here was where Luffy would normally explain (again) that he was a rubber man. Unfortunately for her, Luffy was no longer paying attention. "I think I have a bite!" he cried, pulling on the fishing rod.

Alvida brought the club down again, even harder. It bounced off and hit her on the head. With a moan, she collapsed onto the deck, unconscious. The last thing she remembered as she sunk into darkness was the slimly scales of a giant unicorn-fish flopping on top of her.

Nami pressed a button on her stopwatch with a great deal of satisfaction. Anyone who had betted on Alvida lasting longer than five minutes would be donating their money to the Bank of Nami today. She called, "Zoro, carry Candidate Number One off the ship."

Zoro stopped training and moved to obey. He knew from years of experience that it was easier and less painful just to go along with Nami. Still, he had to ask, "Why did you even give the crazy woman a chance to begin with?"

Nami shrugged. "If the first person succeeded, I'd make less money."

Even Zoro, who barely knew her, couldn't deny that Alvida was a sure fail.

_Alvida: Eliminated. Clocked time: Three minutes fifteen seconds (and that was being generous)._

* * *

Some people wondered why Nami would include men as well as woman in her list of candidates. Did she know something about her captain that they didn't? Or was she simply being open-minded?

Her own crew knew better. As Zoro had succinctly put it, double the candidates meant double the money.

When he first received his invitation letter, Mr. Bon Clay leaped with joy and twirled about the room, then put his entire life's savings on himself. Next he went shopping for expensive clothes—which frankly accomplished nothing, thanks to his bad taste—the first thing he brought was a large pink sombrero and an oversized guitar. Operation: Serenade was in action.

Nami almost regretted her grand plan when, at two in the morning, the Sunny-Go was infected by the bellowing sound of the Okama Way chant. She truly regretted it when the chant was joined by additional caterwauling of nonsensical romantic phrases accompanied by the strumming of what could only logically be a guitar, but sounded like the dying screams of a tortured animal.

"Must not interfere with the bet…must not lose money…" she muttered frantically to herself as she clutched her stop watch.

Fortunately for her, Luffy chose that moment to intervene.

"Bon Clay! What are you doing?" he cried exuberantly, running out of his room and leaping off the deck to greet his serenader.

"Love! This is the art of love!" Bon Clay cried.

"Interesting. Can I sing too?"

"Why, of course!"

Luffy said, "But I don't know any love songs. Can't we just sing a hundred bottles of beer on the wall?"

"Anything for you, Luffy!"

"But we can't sing a hundred bottles of beer on the wall without beer."

"You're right, Luffy."

"Sanji has a new case of rum in the kitchen…follow me! But watch out for the bear trap! And the pit with spikes!"

"Lead the way, Luffy!"

Nami listened in for a little longer, but when Luffy and Bon Clay started dancing around the room arm and arm singing about friendship, she concluded that the former Mr. 2 had long since forgotten his original objective, and thus had forfeited.

Later, as Nami was sipping drinks and tallying up her winnings, Robin commented, "You do realize that Luffy will want you to give back Mr. 2's money. He considers him to be a friend."

Nami shrugged. "I knew that from the beginning. But I am keeping a portion as compensation for that blasted serenade." Nami was willing to be generous mainly because the okama didn't have very much money to begin with—certainly not compared to what she was raking in from her avid world-wide watchers. But on the plus side, Bon Clay had also persuaded all of his crew to bet on him, and since Luffy hadn't befriended any of them…she had no obligation to return any of  _their_  money.

_Mr. Bon Clay: Eliminated. Clocked time: Eleven minutes and thirty-eight seconds._

* * *

Smoker stared at the letter in front of him. It did not change. Was this some kind of joke? If so, the culprits would pay. Possibly with blood. He called, "Tashigi!"

The glasses-wearing marine appeared in the doorway. "Sir?"

"Do you know if there really is a betting pool for the heart of the King of Pirates, and if so why they would send me a letter?"

"You got one too, sir?" she exclaimed in surprise.

"And what are all these X and O marks?"

"I believe they stand for hugs and kisses, sir."

"Ah. Then there's no chance of this being a competition to rip his heart out of his body?"

"I don't see how doing that would make you the Queen of Pirates, sir," Tashigi said, reading the letter over his shoulder.

Smoker could only shake his head in amazement. "Insanity," he muttered, carefully lighting the letter on fire with the end of his cigar.

Tashigi said, "I know just how you feel, sir. For some reason they made me Candidate Number Four, which I think means I'm even more popular in the betting pool than you."

"Of course you're more likely! I mean, no offense intended, but at least you're a woman."

"He's not my type, sir."

"What is your type?" Smoker asked, before he could stop himself.

Tashigi pushed up her glasses in contemplation. "Well, I think I'm attracted to men with large scars across their chest, a strong sense of chivalry, and the ability to wield three swords at once. Oh, and I'm rather partial to green hair."

Smoker blinked. "That's a very specific list."

"What are you implying? I don't like pirates!"

"Huh?" Smoker thought about asking her if she was on her period, but that last time he'd asked a woman that, she had been, and she'd told him to go smoke a tampon—and then tried to enforce her demand. He was still traumatized.

And to think that had been a plump and normally pleasant forty-year old mother of three children. He didn't know what Tashigi would do, and he didn't plan on finding out.

But his second in command had already moved on. "If we aren't interested, I don't think we need to show up, sir."

Smoker realized, "But this is a clue to the Pirate King's location! Our duty obligates us to use it!"

"Well, sir, you could show up and try to capture him, if you don't mind everyone thinking that you're romantically interested in him."

Smoker shuddered. "I never received this letter. Understood?"

"The feeling is mutual, sir."

_Smoker: Forfeited. Clock time: Zero. Tashigi: Forfeited. Clock time: Zero._

* * *

Kalifa was only in it for the money.

She and her fellow CP-9 agents were slowly getting used to operating without a government funded budget, and frankly they weren't enjoying it. Even so, Kalifa wasn't desperate enough to approach her old enemies, and certainly not for marriage of all things…but her comrades were, and they also saw the letter. Lucci had practically ordered her to "secure the target." Well, using her seductive skills for a mission was nothing new for Kalifa.

Being a bubble woman, her natural element was the bathtub. Kalifa could hardly see herself relating to someone like Monkey D. Luffy on a mental or emotional level, so she snuck onto the Sunny-Go and into the bathroom, filled up the bathtub, set up some scented candles, and stripped off her clothes.

She had been prepared to wait for a couple hours. Not a couple days. Her skin was starting to get wrinkled and she'd eaten all the chocolate delicacies she'd prepared.

After three days, she'd started to think that something was wrong. But just when despair was setting in…she heard the creak of footsteps approaching. A hand turned the doorknob.

With deliberate pose, Kalifa slowly rose from the bathtub, covered with almost see-through bubbles that seductively titillated viewers. She tilted herself at an angle so that the light hit her body just right, holding out a heart-shaped bar of soap in an open invitation.

For one long second, two gazes met…and the bar of soap slowly tumbled from her hand and landed in the water below. There was scream and a thud, and Usopp hit the floor. The poor sharpshooter had only dropped by the captain's bathroom looking for some toothpaste.

Chopper called, "Usopp, what's wrong? Are you injured? Someone call a doctor!" After a few moments, the reindeer remembered that he was a doctor, and ran in to help.

Seeing the sharpshooter lying prone on the floor, the doctor began to drag him off to the medical ward, calling, "Usopp's been attacked!" To Kalifa's mortification, he didn't even notice her.

All crew members within earshot ran to his aid. Sanji was the first to the scene.

_He_  noticed Kalifa. Sanji's eyes bulged out of his head, and warped into the shape of hearts. "Mellorine!" he cried, running forward, arms outstretched. "It's a goddess! My very own Venus has been born from the sea foam!"

His face was stopped by a foot, which although bare still had enough strength to send him crashing backwards though the door.

Zoro dodged Sanji's flying body, then stepped through the door. Calmly, he said, "You. Woman. Are you one of those weirdos Nami has been inviting here?"

A tad oppressed by the incredible aura of the Greatest Swordsman in the World, she said, "Err, yes."

"Did you attack Usopp?" Somehow, she knew her life hung in balance.

"No! He fainted! And I'm sorry about your other friend, the blond, I didn't  _exactly_  mean to-"

Zoro dismissed that with a snort. "What are you doing in a bathtub?"

She sunk back into the water, mortified. "Waiting for Luffy…"

He snickered. "In his bathtub? I have news for you: Luffy's idea of taking a bath is either accidentally falling into the ocean or waiting for it to rain. Every so often Nami gets tired of the smell and drags him off to the nearest tub to half-drown him, but he's never coming in here voluntarily."

No money was worth this, Kalifa decided. Pausing only to grab her clothes, she escaped out the window.

_Kalifa: Eliminated. Clocked time: Three days, thirteen hours, and twenty-two seconds._

* * *

Although she had a fixed list of candidates, Nami was willing to allow anyone with the inclination to try for the prize. Why? Because more people meant more bets, and more money for her. However, the participants did have to be reasonably high profile, so people would be willing to bet on them (and so that every smuck off the street with Cinderella fantasies didn't storm the Sunny-Go).

Unfortunately for Nami, Buggy the Clown qualified as high-profile.

The world cringed when he submitted his name to the betting pool, but fortunately for their delicate eyes, Buggy had no actual romantic interest in Luffy. A few stalkerish tendencies, maybe, but no romantic interest.

Unfortunately for Buggy, unlike Smoker he had no Tashigi to explain to him that stealing the heart of Luffy did not involve removing it directly from his chest. Oops?

Buggy showed up at the Sunny-Go armed to the teeth, with metal protection covering his every available surface. Normally, he would have been too cowardly to even think of challenging the King of Pirates, but part of his mind kept insisting that Luffy was still the same crack-pot kid he'd almost killed twice, and thus couldn't possibly be out of his league. That, and after he'd drunkenly declared his intentions in public, he couldn't disappoint his adoring fans.

Nami lurked in the background with her stopwatch, secretly disgusted. Buggy by all rights should have been the first she got out of the way, but he'd only applied now (after the game had started), and by her own rules she couldn't find any reason to reject him. She silently swore that if he screwed up her plans too badly, she would have his red nose as a trophy on her wall.

Aware of the viewers watching world-wide through the Den-Den Mushi, Buggy summoned up all his courage and struck a magnificent pose, arm stretched forward, and shouted, "I've come for your heart, Pirate King!"

Franky, who was making some adjustments to the side of the ship, accidentally smashed his thumb with a hammer. "WHAAAAAT?" he cried.

Robin looked up from the book she was reading on deck, and extended a helping hand (protruding from the deck) to Franky. "You should put a bandage on that," she said.

"I'll be fine," he said manfully.

Still reading her book, Robin said, "Our captain is off raiding the kitchen, Mister Clown. Would you like to come back later?"

On cue, Luffy was thrown onto the deck, with Sanji shouting behind him, "And stay out!"

Robin said, "And he appears to be here now. Luffy, Nami brought another visitor for you."

"Does he have food?" the Pirate King asked.

Buggy shouted, "No, I'm not your delivery boy! I'm planning to force you to submit to me."

Robin's eyebrows raised slightly. Franky hit his other thumb with the hammer.

Luffy said mildly, "If you want to fight, come back later. I'm still hungry." He ran back towards the kitchen for a second try.

Buggy shouted after his vanishing foe, "You can eat to your heart's content in the afterlife, once I take your head!"

Robin said, "You seem to be a bit confused, Mister Clown. The organ at stake here is the heart, not the brain."

Buggy said dismissively, "Heart, head, it doesn't matter as long as he ends up dead."

A smile began to tease the corners of Robin's lips. Chuckling, she said, "You do understand that the title at stake here is that of the Queen of Pirates?"

Buggy declared, "I don't want to be Queen of Pirates, I want to be King of Pirates!"

Robin shook her head sadly. "I don't think Luffy would accept the Queen position. He's always been very fixated on being King of Pirates."

Buggy said, "That won't be a problem once I show him who's on top!"

Franky dropped his hammer on his foot. Robin's shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. She gasped, "Maybe I was wrong, but did you really come here to compete for Luffy's hand in marriage?"

"What? No!" Buggy screamed.

"That would be the whole purpose of this competition," Robin informed him.

Buggy cried, "I'm not here to romance him, I'm here to impale him!"

Franky managed to hit himself on his own forehead with the hammer. Reeling back and clutching his head in his hands, he cried, "Keep it in the privacy of your own head, man! No one wants to hear about your twisted fantasies!"

Robin was unable to contain her laughter any longer.

Buggy shouted, "Stop laughing and tell your captain to come and face me like a man!"

Luffy poked his head out. "Hey, what's so funny, guys?" he asked, beaming broadly.

Franky cried, "Watch yourself, captain, he's a dangerous nymphomaniac!"

Rage overcame his sense and Buggy charged for Luffy, waving an axe over his head.

A bolt of lightning descended from the sky and struck him down. Nami had disqualified Buggy for trying to kill the love target.

Staring down at the clown's twitching body, Luffy commented, "That's the weirdo from Loguetown! He sure does attract a lot of lightning."

Nami did in fact steal Buggy's red nose in retaliation for his obnoxiousness. However, this wasn't enough to appease her wrath when she realized that no one had bet on Buggy, not even his own crew. This meant that as the "house" Nami took losses, and nothing infuriated Nami like losing money. Her revenge would be swift and horrific.

Buggy awoke on Mr. 2's ship. "Where am I?" he muttered groggily.

Bon Clay danced in and hugged him. "My new okama comrade! Don't worry, Nami told me all about your newly declared way of life. I'll train you in everything you need to know! Oh, by the way, there's named Red-Haired Shanks calling on the Den-Den Mushi for you."

He held out the speaker. From it, Shank's voice bellowed, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Buggy, you should have told have told me, I would have been a supportive-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Buggy threw the Den-Den Mushi to the floor and buried his face in his hands. That was when he realized that his nose was gone.

_Buggy the Clown: Disqualified. Clocked time: five minutes ten seconds._

To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:
> 
> Little Sis': If I owned One Piece, there wouldn't be a One Piece, because I'm a lazy procrastinator who would get the manga cancelled because I'd never be able to meet any deadlines, so let's all hope that I never own One Piece.
> 
> Big Sis': No one would be stupid enough to give One Piece to a bum like you anyway.
> 
> Little Sis': Hey! I resent that! Stranger stuff has happened, so maybe Eiichiro Oda will suddenly decide to give One Piece to me. You never know.
> 
> Big Sis': Stranger stuff like you waking up early on a weekend, or you finishing a paper at least 12 hours before it's due, or you cleaning your filthy room? Oh wait, those things have never happened either!
> 
> Little Sis': … [sticks out tongue and makes a "thhpt" noise]

Vivi, being a princess, was supposed to marry someone of power and influence who would be advantageous to her country. Plus, Daddy wanted grandkids.

Her invitation from Nami had been debated over by the Arabasta Royal Council for days. Luffy was a pirate, not normally a reputable marriage candidate, but he was also technically a king, and had more money and power than anyone else could bring to the table. Plus, Arabasta knew from experience that the Marines were totally useless—remember the Crocodile incident?—and they'd only gotten more useless after Luffy had decimated them for the most recent time someone thought it would be a great idea to mess with his nakama. But in the end, what ultimately decided them was that the young Pirate King seemed naïve and potentially an easy puppet to use for Arabasta's benefit. (Good luck with that, council…)

Vivi herself wasn't sure that she even wanted to try, as she had only ever seen Luffy as a good friend, but really, she had nothing to lose. Every other candidate she was being presented with was either old enough to be her father or young enough to be her son. And even if things didn't work out between her and Luffy, she would still be able to enjoy herself visiting her old friends.

As she packed her bags and left the palace, she didn't even notice the two eyes following her, one slightly narrowed from an old scar. "Just tell her you don't want her to go," her father, also hiding, advised the man. The man turned to glare, then resumed following the princess.

Vivi was greeted by her former nakama with great enthusiasm. She was mobbed with hugs from Luffy, Usopp, Chopper, and Nami, and Sanji's hearts almost knocked her off her feet. Those she hadn't met before were eager to make her acquaintance. She and Robin politely pretended they were meeting for the first time, and Franky warmly shook her hand. Brook promptly asked to see her panties.

As if out of nowhere, a curved dagger hurled at the skeleton. It slid cleanly through his ribs, leaving poor Brook to bemoan damage done to his elegant waistcoat.

Lurking outside the ship, Vivi's unseen protector clenched his fists so tightly that his own nails drew blood. He had to keep himself under control—who else would protect his princess from these lunatics?

Meanwhile, Vivi had just been told by Nami that Luffy knew nothing of the marriage competition. This sent the princess' anxiety spiking through the roof.  _She_  was supposed to tell  _him_? Did her slightly naïve friend even know what marriage was?

"Luffy, I have something I'd like to talk to you about," she said nervously.

"Okay!" he said brightly.

She swallowed. Suddenly, her throat felt too dry to talk at all. But there was another option—the Arabasta Council had given her a marriage contract she was supposed to get him to sign. Pulling out the letter, she said, "I'd like you to read this, and tell me if you think it's a good idea."

"Sure!" Luffy opened the letter. It quickly unfolded into about twenty pages. His face fell slightly, and if Vivi hadn't been his nakama the document might have had a mysterious accident, but for her sake he buckled down and read it.

Overcome with shyness, Vivi turned away. She was soon dragged into a game Chopper and Usopp were playing, while Sanji encouraged her to try his new dishes.

When Vivi was able to break away, she found Luffy sitting on the deck where she'd left him, sleeping peacefully. His head lolled over and a bit of drool hung from his mouth, dribbling onto the parchment, which he seemed to have only gotten halfway through. The top half was crumpled and a bit dirty, and one section had been folded into a paper airplane.

Gently, she touched his shoulder. He jerked awake. "I'm sorry, Vivi!" he exclaimed. "I don't really understand what it was saying. The writing was all curly and there were too many strange kanji. Maybe I should get Nami to read it to me?"

"That's okay, please don't," she said, blushing red. She should have known that the formal Arabasta Royal calligraphy might be a bit difficult for anyone to read. Hurriedly, she snatched the document back and began to roll it up.

Sanji, who was coming over with another drink, scowled menacingly. "Luffy, are you upsetting Vivi?"

He protested, "No! Not on purpose!"

"Idiot! When a lady tells you to do something, you do it!" He snatched up the document. "Here, on the bottom, there's somewhere for you to sign. Hurry up and write down your name, for Vivi's sake!"

"You don't have to-" Vivi pleaded. Sanji forced a pen into Luffy's hand.

"No!" came a panicked shout. Kohza burst out from behind a tree and leapt onto the deck. Grabbing the paper, he frantically tore it to shreds. "There, that's..." he stopped, gradually realizing what he'd done. "Vivi…ah, Princess Vivi…what I mean to say is…"

"Congratulations, Vivi, I think you've been proposed to," Nami said, clicking her stop watch. A satisfied smile graced her lips.

"Oh, I…" Vivi stammered. "Kohza, do you really…?"

"I've always loved you," he said, trying not to meet her eyes.

"I love you too," she said, finally admitting it herself. "If only the council would allow me to, I'd marry you in a heartbeat."

He gazed into her eyes. "I could always threaten rebellion again."

"Huh? What happened?" Luffy asked.

Nami told him, "Vivi is getting married. Why don't you two make Luffy your best man? If he's standing for you, I doubt anyone in the world would dare object."

The rest of the crew crowded around to offer their congratulations (in Sanji's case, with tears streaming down his face.)

And so, Vivi and Kohza were married, Nami made a fortune because she was the only one who betted on "the princess marries someone else entirely," and cooking on the Sunny-Go was sad and disheartened until Nami gave Sanji the punch of love, at which point his spirits were restored.

_Vivi: Eliminated. Clocked time: Five hours, fifty minutes, and thirty-one seconds._

* * *

The last candidate was Empress Hancock.

Here was where most of the money lay, because few dared bet against her. After all, what sane, straight man could possibly say no to the one acknowledged as the most beautiful woman in the world? That was why she was the last candidate, the climax, the final countdown that the whole world watched with baited breath. When Hancock first appeared arrived at Sunny-Go, Nami had to purchase additional Den-Den Mushis to keep up with all the extra viewer traffic.

Upon being introduced to the crew, Hancock was in for a bit of a shock—she'd never before met so many men who didn't immediately faint at her feet. (If she hadn't already gotten used to it from Luffy, she might have gone into a rampage.) She instantly concluded that the green-haired swordsman, who  _didn't even look up from his weight-lifting_ as she walked by, must be gay.

At least the cook was falling all over himself to serve her in every way. She assuaged her ego by looking down on him so far that her head almost touched the ground, but Sanji didn't mind because this only gave him a better view of her rack.

Hancock's mission on the Sunny-Go: turn her shojo fantasies into reality. She decided to start with the romantic candle-lit dinner.

Five minutes after Empress Hancock had invited Monkey D. Luffy to dine with her at the Grand Line's most prestigious restaurant, three separate crew members approached her warning her that this was a bad idea. She dismissed them all with a haughty look.

That evening, as she watched Luffy shove five sandwiches, three hams, and two turkeys into his mouth at once, she started to see where they were coming from. Not that she minded, of course. As long as her beloved was happy, she was happy.

A worried waiter approached the table. "I'm sorry, but we're running out of food." He shot the Empress a pleading/adoring look. "Could you please ask your companion to slow down a little?"

"No," she sneered, turning him to stone. While this made her feel better, it did not facilitate the smooth transition of food.

From the kitchen, someone screamed, "I quit!" A white-clothed man with a chef's hat rushed out of the restaurant.

Luffy licked up the last bit of juice from his plate, then stared down at it mournfully. "It's empty!"

Furious, Boa Hancock was preparing to turn everyone in the restaurant to stone, when a loudspeaker voice bellowed, "This is the marines! Surrender, Pirate King, or we will initiate the Buster Call!"

Luffy said brightly, "I'd better take care of that thing before someone gets hurt. Thanks for the meal!" With that, he merrily leapt out the window and into the army of marines, leaving a trail of unconscious bodies in his wake. Boa Hancock quickly followed, determined to ruthlessly crush anyone who dared threaten her beloved Luffy.

_Boa Hancock's Current Clocked Time: One day and counting._

After spending the night in her guest room on the Sunny-Go, Boa Hancock woke up refreshed and prepared to make a new attack. She scoped out Luffy's crewmembers as possible opponents. The males she dismissed as useless, except for the cook, who served the purpose of bringing her drinks. Admittedly very excellent drinks. It was enough to make her seriously consider staying here permanently. The skeleton, which seemed to be male, was extremely irritating. After he asked to see her panties she decided that, Luffy's nakama or not, he'd make a good stone statue. But, to her irritation, he managed to dodge her attacks with an obnoxious "Yoh Ho Ho!" Of the women, she dismissed Nami as a potential rival because she had been the one to send out Hancock the invitation; therefore she considered Nami irrelevant to her. Robin, on the other hand—was passably attractive and, to Hancock's extreme jealously, had constant opportunities to be around Luffy. She bore watching.

Boa Hancock would far rather have Luffy to herself than had to share him with other people. She decided to invite him on a private walk on the beach.

She had a long and subtle speech prepared, but when she went onto the deck to find him, he ran crashing into her.

"Oh, sorry!" he cried

Hancock landed on the deck dazed, mumbling, "Oh, Luffy…what a forceful embrace…"

Nami rounded the corner at top speed. "Luffy, get back here! You're having a bath whether you like it or not! Your stench is enough to wilt my tangerines!"

Luffy's eyes darted around frantically. "Uh, Nami, I would, but, but…I have somewhere to go!"

Nami lifted an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Really! Someone asked me…Hammuck! Yes, you wanted me to go somewhere, right?"

"Hancock," she corrected him for the hundredth time. But her brain was quickly turned to mush by Luffy's pleading eyes. "Why of course! We were going on a walk on the beach."

"Right! Very important!" Luffy cried.

He grabbed Hancock's hand and dragged her away. Blushing happily, Hancock said, "Oh, Luffy, you had the same idea as me! Truly our hearts and souls are one!"

Nami stared after them sourly, but by her own rules she couldn't interfere with the bet. But she'd be waiting…

As Luffy and Hancock walked down the beach together, her heart was filled with joy. Everything was going as she'd dreamed:

_Luffy gazed at Hancock adoringly. "Oh, Hancock, your eyes are like liquid moonlight."_

" _Oh, Luffy," she sighed._

_He wrapped his strong arms around her. "Every second that we're apart is like agony. The moments I spend together with you are my greatest joy. Boa Hancock, the love of my life, I have a very important question to ask you-"_

Luffy's real voice interrupted her daydream. "When do you go to bed?" There was an undertone of nervousness in his voice.

She blinked at him. "Well…whenever you want me to, Luffy."

He frowned. "I don't think that would work with Nami."

Her irritation began to rise at hearing another woman's name from his lips. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I'm just a little worried. She looked very angry. Hey, Hammeck, how do you make a woman happy?"

Hancock's eyes glazed over dreamily. "Candle-lit dinners, walks under the moonlight, flowers and candy, beautiful things…and so much more. A simple compliment, a small gesture like holding the door open, a special smile that's for you and only you! But the most important thing for any woman is spending time with her beloved. Oh, Luffy, I'm so happy!"

He gaped, slack-jawed. "What?"

As they walked on the beach together, Luffy anxiously tried to drag out the trip for as long as possible. Hancock was in heaven. It wasn't until the moon was overhead that they finally returned to the Sunny-Go.

Waiting on the deck was a soapy tub. Standing over it, Nami glared balefully.

Luffy uttered a piercing scream and fled back the way he'd came, using his stretchy legs to propel himself forward even faster. Nami was already in hot pursuit.

They both disappeared so quickly that Hancock didn't even have time to think about following. She had no choice but to return to her room.

_Boa Hancock's Current Clocked Time: Two days and counting._

After her wonderful evening last night (once she'd mentally edited out the ending), Boa Hancock decided to go for the crown—and take Luffy ring-shopping. She persuaded him off the Sunny-Go with the promise of buying him lunch, planning to slowly lead him towards a famous jewelry store which sold famously elaborate diamond rings.

Alas, her luck turned sour. Once it was plain that rings were not edible, Luffy had no interest in them. And then the obnoxious salesman started hitting on her.

"You know, for a beautiful woman such as yourself, I'd be willing to offer you a discount, if you were willing to do me a few favors, if you know what I mean," he leered.

How dare he! Hancock was about to turn him into stone, when it occurred to her how wonderful it would be if Luffy defeated the odious man for her.

" _Thou wilt come with me, wench," the ring merchant intoned huskily._

" _Avast, Knave! I am this beautiful Lady's knight and will suffer no insult against her!" Luffy gallantly interposed himself between Hancock and her dark suitor._

" _Oh noble Luffy," Boa Hancock sighed stunningly._

" _Thou poisonous yeastly toad!" the merchant cried, "interfere with me not, cowardly rascal!"_

_Luffy raised his chin and fiercely growled, "Why you rotten scoundrel! You spleeny, boil-brained bastard! You kidney-eyed, pox-ridden, whey faced, buzzard brained, bunch-back'd, pottle-deep villainous worm!" Luffy struck the man down with one elegant blow and swept Hancock into his arms, and whispered soothingly, "Oh gentle, gracious Boa, do not listen to this rotten thing, for in truth, he is—_

"He's offering you a discount? What a nice man!" Luffy said cheerfully. He then mumbled in an undertone, "Nami would love this store!"

Hancock turned the still-leering salesman to stone herself.

Luffy sent her a slightly reproachful look. "That was a bit mean, Hamrock. What did he do to you?"

Unable to bear having Luffy think disapprovingly of her, she promptly changed the man back.

Dazed and neurotic, the confused man groped for the security button, dropping a steel cage from the ceiling. At the same time, Luffy smelled the aroma of freshly cooked steak sandwiches drifting from the food stand across the street. "Come on, I'm hungry!" he cried, dragging Hancock out of the store.

The cage slammed down where she had been standing only a few seconds earlier, but Luffy had already pulled her across the street. When the man attempted to follow, the door Luffy had violently pulled open rebounded and hit him on the forehead, knocking him to the ground.

"Oh, Luffy, you really did rescue me!" Hancock sighed.

"MEAT!" Luffy cried.

_Boa Hancock's Current Clocked Time: Three days and counting._

Boa Hancock's time aboard the Sunny-Go had been a dream come true. Okay, her dreams kept not coming exactly true, but Luffy was smiling, and that was what was important. She woke up the next morning refreshed and ready to attempt to fulfill another fantasy (like, say, watching a play together, and maybe even cuddling in the same chair).

Unfortunately, she couldn't seem to find Luffy.

Sanji, who presented her with a magnificent three-course breakfast, didn't seem to know (or care) where he might be. He suggested that she look on the deck, where Luffy was often found fishing, or maybe she could leap into Sanji's own arms, Mellorine-!

Ignoring him, she headed for the deck.

The first person she met was Brook, who offered to help her look in exchange for a glance at her panties. Tired of the futility of trying to put him in his place, she brushed past him.

At the top of the stairs was a small animal with antlers. As was her habit, she kicked it out of her way.

"What was that for!" Chopper screamed, morphing into a massive reindeer-man. Shocked, Boa Hancock fled, looking for Luffy in hopes that he'd enact another fantasy and save her from the terrible beast. When she and Luffy were married, they would have to talk about the types of pets they would keep. Maybe she could convince him to get a couple of nice snakes.

She found the cyborg builder on a distant part of the ship from her, hammering away on something. "Oh, you beauty, how I love you," he crooned.

His back was to her, but Hancock instantly assumed she was the subject of conversation. It was nice to know someone on this ship appreciated her.

"How sleek and polished you are…"

Yes, that was right.

"So broad and sturdy, and listen to the way your gears purr!"

Huh?

Franky turned around. "Did you need something? I'm trying to work on this new engine. Isn't she a beauty?"

At to make matters worse, he didn't know where Luffy was either.

The next person she approached was the long-nosed sharpshooter. Or tried to approach, anyway. He took one look at her and scampered.

"I demand that you return at once and tell me where Luffy is!" she cried.

Blushing furiously, he said, "I would talk to you, but I have a rare can't-talk-to-women-who-turn-people-into-stones disease."

She snapped her fingers imperiously. "I don't care! You will tell me where Luffy is immediately."

"I also happen to be captain of an army of a thousand men, and I really need to go lead them to victory, soooo…."

"Leave him alone." Zoro appeared in the doorway. Usopp jumped behind him.

"No one tells me what to do," she said arrogantly.

He stared indifferently at her. "Luffy went on a shopping trip with Nami. You're wasting your time." With that, he turned and left, Usopp trailing after. As if her presence was to be avoided, not sought after and longed for!

The green haired one was definitely gay. And she didn't believe him about Luffy, either.

Hancock found Robin sitting on a lounge chair on the deck, reading a book. She looked a bit too lovely for Hancock's comfort.

Storming up to her, Hancock asked, "Do you know where Luffy is?" Poison dripped from each word.

Robin looked up. "I think he went shopping. And you don't need to look so ferocious; I assure you I have no interest in Luffy. I love him like a brother, and he's too young for me."

How could anyone not be in love with Luffy? That was very suspicious. And what was the crack about age supposed to mean? Clearly Nico Robin was a tricky and sly rival. Boa Hancock hissed, "I won't lose Luffy to you! I'm far more beautiful."

Robin sighed, then closed her book and stood up. "At the very least, I can promise you that Luffy is not one place: my room. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return there, where it's nice and quiet."

As Hancock stared after her, a nagging suspicion began to form. Obviously, anything her rival told her was the opposite of true. But why would Luffy be in Robin's room? He couldn't possibly choose her, right? No, it was far more likely that he was being held against his will.

_Hancock carefully undid the ropes that were tying Luffy's arms and legs. As she loosened his gag, he cried, "My love, I knew you would save me!"_

" _What happened?" she asked._

_He replied, "One of my crewmembers formed a twisted fixation with me, having been misled by my purely platonic kindness. I should have known better than to spend time with any woman other than you."_

" _Oh Luffy," she sighed._

" _Let us elope, my love, and stay together forever!"_

" _Curses, foiled again!" Robin cackled as they ran off into the sunset._

That was what was going through Hancock's mind as she climbed over the railing and down the side of the ship, towards Robin's small portside window. Alas, her hand slipped and she plummeted towards the ocean below.

Luffy, who was returning from his shopping trip with Nami, arrived just in time to see her fall. "Oh no, Hamduck is drowning!" he cried. Forgetting that he also couldn't swim, he leapt in after her.

Nami rolled her eyes, then cupped her hands in her mouth and shouted, "Zoro!" Then she kicked off her shoes and jumped in after Luffy. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough to drag out two people, so she was counting on the swordsman to save her money cow. He owed her a few debts, after all.

As if in a dream, Hancock felt two strong arms wrap around her and gently pull her above water. Luffy! When they reached the shore, she summoned up the last of her strength and threw her lips on top of his, before fainting.

She woke up to Chopper taking her pulse. "You should drink some water," he said, offering her a cup.

She asked, "Where is Luffy?"

Nami replied, "He's off downing a whole tub of beer as a 'cure.' By the way, does your lip-lock with Zoro mean that you're forfeiting, or should I take that as a drowning-induced accident?"

Hancock demanded, "What are you talking about? I kissed Luffy."

Nami snorted. "Did you really think he was your rescuer? He jumped after you, but only because he's an idiot. An anchor in water, remember?"

Clearly this was all a pack of lies, Hancock decided. The red-haired woman might be another rival after all.

In the bathroom, Zoro was trying to disinfect his mouth, while Sanji pounded on the door and shouted, "Come out and fight me, you seaweed-bastard!"

_Boa Hancock's Current Clocked Time: Four days and counting._

Then there was what would later be known as the Misguided Midnight Snack Incident.

It began when Luffy awoke early one morning, hungry. He staggered into the kitchen, bravely fought through several vicious traps, and emerged with a hank of meat and a bowl of white creamy pudding for dessert. He quickly stuffed the meat into his mouth and walked back to his bedroom, cradling the bowl of pudding in his arms.

Zoro was already up, training. (His early morning exercise regime might be one of the reasons he spent the rest of the day napping.) He happened to be running down the corridor with his eyes closed in order to strengthen his other senses. They still needed a bit of work, because he bumped into Luffy. The Pirate King was practically sleeping on his feet, and thus didn't even try to catch himself as he tumbled towards the floor.

Zoro quickly shot out a hand and grabbed Luffy's arm. Alas, his captain was naturally stretchable, and Luffy didn't regain awareness enough to stop until he was dangling by one long arm with his nose inches from the ground.

Frustrated, Zoro shouted, "Luffy, snap back!"

Unfortunately, Luffy was still sleep-hazed, and his instincts told him to snap his arm back  _towards_  his body, the way he usually did. Zoro was yanked over and off his feet, landing squarely on top of Luffy. The pudding splattered onto the side of his face.

Luffy, always indomitable where food was concerned, began to lick the pudding off the side of Zoro's head. Growling, the swordsman tried to throw his captain off, but the sleep-eating Pirate King only wrapped his arms around him to hold him in place and continued eating.

Boa Hancock, who happened to be sleeping in the room nearby, was awoken by the crashing noises and stumbled to her door. What greeted her was the following sight:

Zoro, who was shirtless, was on kneeling on the ground, with Luffy's smaller frame lying between his legs. Luffy had his arms wrapped around Zoro's back, and appeared to be sticking his tongue into Zoro's ear.

Boa Hancock fled back into her room, slamming the door. Her mind was in a state of turmoil. Why was her beloved Luffy doing such strange things with his first mate? Why was the image of the half-naked swordsman sprawled on top of Luffy burned into the back of her eyes? And why did she find the memory so strangely…arousing?

(Behind her, Zoro grew tired of trying to gently dislodge Luffy, and punched his captain in the head, then tossed him into his quarters before returning to training. He never gave another thought to the incident. Lurking off to the side, Nami clicked her stopwatch, a smug grin on her face.)

And, until the day she died, Boa Hancock was a Luffy-Zoro fangirl; nothing and no one would ever convince her that they weren't made to be. She hung creative drawings of them all over her room and wrote steamy stories about her erotic imaginings. Not only that, but on her lonely and repressed all-women homeland, her ideas spread like wildfire. Within two months, she had converted the entire island to the love of yaoi. On the upside, men who trespassed on the island were no longer executed but welcomed with disturbing enthusiasm and forced into shounen ai role-playing games, although some would consider their fate worse than death.

Boa Hancock, however, lived happily ever after.

_Boa Hancock: Eliminated. Clocked Time: Four days, twelve hours, and thirty-three minutes. Record time!_

_Contest Over. Winner: None. House claims all money!_

* * *

But though it was over as far as the world was concerned, in reality…one final person was ready to make her move.

It was a perfectly ordinary day: Thursday, partly cloudy, and as always the Sunny-Go was buzzing with activity.

Zoro was in his usual spot, napping against the railing. Robin was reading on a deck chair, and Chopper was sitting on the floor at her feet, grinding medicine with a mortar and pestle. Usopp was sitting by the mast, surrounded by a variety of odds and ends, tinkering with Nami's Clima-Tact. Brook was lounging in the crow's nest, drinking tea and softly humming to himself as he kept watch. Franky had dozed off by his tools, unfortunately leaning against his freshly painted banister. His Hawaiian shirt was already beginning to stick against the drying paint. Sanji could be heard clanking around in the kitchen, cleaning up after lunch. And Luffy was sitting on his usual perch on the smiling lion figurehead of the Sunny-Go, staring off into the peacefully rolling ocean.

A door opened. Nami calmly walked out her navigation room and strode to where Luffy sat.

"Luffy?"

"Hm?"

"Will you marry me?" she asked.

Luffy turned to face her. "Okay!" he said, grinning cheerfully. He leaned forward and pecked her on the lips, before pulling her up beside him onto the lion's head. A seagull crowed above.

Later, Robin asked, "Was the whole 'contest' a clever plan to eliminate your rivals?"

Nami snorted. "Rivals? What rivals? No, there was one reason, and one reason only, and that was a counted in millions of belli. After all, if I have to be the one to propose, I at least want to be able to make some money out of it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big Sis': And that's all for now, folks. We had our LuNa ending, as our summary implied (though there is a tiny bit of fake ZoLu for the person who requested it). But personally, I think Nami is the best match for Luffy. After all, remember what Luffy said about Absalom in the Thriller Bark Arc? That he must be "a very brave man" to want to marry Nami? And no one is as brave as Luffy!
> 
> Little Sis: Yep, though I think it's more like our story showed that Nami is the only one who can deal with Luffy.
> 
> Big Sis: So is it Luffy who is the best match for Nami or Nami who is the best match for Luffy?
> 
> Little Sis: Po-ta-to, po-tah-to, to-ma-to, to-mah-to, either way, we're geniuses! We shouldn't be wasting our time writing fanfictions and should go cure cancer or something.
> 
> Big Sis: I don't think we use the same mechanisms for writing fanfictions as we would for curing cancer.
> 
> Little Sis: …Why do people always refer to curing cancer for great deeds? Why not instead try saving the Iriomote Cats, becoming world dictator, or making the toast you drop land butter side up for once!
> 
> Big Sis: [rolls eyes] I don't know, you said it not me, moron. And Iriomote Cats? Does anyone besides you even know what they are? World dictator? That's not a good thing. Toast? What? That sounds like a personal grudge. Did somebody have trouble eating breakfast this morning? Poor baby.
> 
> Little Sis: …[pout]…
> 
> Big Sis: What she means to say is that although we didn't actually have a cat fight, our fanfic is still super special awesome.
> 
> Little Sis: Everyone's gonna say you're ripping of Little Kuriboh there.
> 
> Big Sis: No they're not! Shut up! This end note is getting too long to keep on arguing about stupid stuff.
> 
> Little Sis: Your face is stupid!
> 
> Big Sis: …
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed! We humble amateur writers thank you for your kind words. That's all for now, folks!

**Author's Note:**

> Little Sis': Next time on Of Bachelors, Bets, and Pirates: Vivi, Boa Hancock, and Nami duke it out for Luffy's affections! It's a three-way cat fight! No, really. Would I lie to you?
> 
> Big Sis': Yes. Yes, you would. Stop trying to scare away our readers.
> 
> Little Sis': If no one reviews, I won't have to write anything more.
> 
> Big Sis': Oh, come on, the second part is written. It's going up no matter what, so stop being lazy. And who knows, a catfight might actually attract more people.
> 
> Little Sis': Maybe we should take bets on the winner, like in our fic! We could make money!
> 
> Big Sis': You fool! There is no money in fanfiction! Didn't you pay attention during the disclaimer?
> 
> Little Sis': That's right, folks, tune in next time to read our hilarious disclaimer!


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